“VAN HELSING”
Starring Hugh Jackman (Gabriel Van Helsing), Kate Beckinsale (Princess [?] Anna Valerious), Richard Roxburgh (Count Vladislaus Dracula), David Wenham (Carl), Will Kemp (Prince [?] Velkan Valerious), Shuler Hensley (Frankenstein), Elena Anaya (Aleera), Silvia Colloca (Verona), Josie Maran (Marishka), & Kevin J. O’Connor (Igor)

I have a weakness for vampire flicks since I positively love their romanticized lives and I drool over Hugh Jackman and admire Kate Beckinsale (after watching her in “Golden Bowl”, with “Underworld” solidifying my fan-status). So, based on those, I’m sure you’ll understand that this movie can do no wrong in my eyes. Add the fact that David Wenham’s also in it (that surprised me) and his role is a thoroughly amusing one, especially for an LOTR freak who admired him as Faramir, then this is a DVD-must-have for me.

Now, I did some research, and Hugh is 6’2” or 6’2 1/2” while David is 6’. I feel the need to mention this since, in the movie, Van seems about half a foot taller than Carl and this is ‘cause he (Dave, not Hugh) slouched a lot to emphasize his geeky role. For some reason, his after-LOTR-role reminded me somewhat of Sean Astin’s thoroughly amusing Doug character in “Fifty First Dates”.

Anyway, enough about that. Van Helsing is a vigilante renegade who hunts and kills, if need be, non-human threats to humanity and civilization like gargoyles, monsters, and such. The movie opens on a wanted poster ad for our hero, calling him a murderer and offering a reward (200 or 2000 francs, if you’re interested). Van hunts, finds, fights, and finally, kills Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Since he was Mr. Hyde on top of Notre Dame, where they fought, and changed into Dr. Jekyll as he fell down, I can guess why people see him (Van) as a murderer and not saver or protector of the people.

Afterwards, he heads off to Rome for his next assignment. Apparently, he works for a secret sect of the Catholic Church that deals with the supernatural and his next task is to aid the Valeriouses in trying to destroy Dracula. In St. Peter’s Cathedral, Van meets up with Carl (Carl is to Van what Q was to James Bond) and tells him that Carl will have to accompany Van to “make sure [he] doesn’t die”. This doesn’t settle well with him since he’s not a field man but since orders are orders, he goes.

Anna Valerious is the last of the Valerious family who swore to find a way to kill Dracula. Actually, at the start, there are two of them left, her and her brother, Velkan, who ends up becoming a werewolf and dies. Their father disappeared a year ago and it’s believed that Dracula had something to do with it. We find out later that he was used in Drac’s experiment and ended up fried. Literally.

So off to Transylvania our hero and his sidekick go. Van receives a less-than-welcoming welcome (Carl: “Is it always like this?” Van: “Yes”) from the village people and Anna. But on the day he arrives, Dracula’s three brides (Aleena, Verona, and Marishka) also attack the village, possibly hoping to catch Anna unaware and kill her. He successfully kills one of them (villager: “You killed one of them!” Carl: “Isn’t that a good thing?”) and it’s during the fight that Anna recognizes who he is (Anna: “His name is Van Hal-seeng”). The people recognize the name and Anna compliments Van on his courage and the fact that he’s the first to kill a vampire in a hundred years. The rest of them, though, aren’t happy because now the vampires will probably attack for revenge, whereas before, they only attacked to feed, which was once or twice a month.

Here’s the rundown of the story: Van Helsing has amnesia and, weirdly enough, seems to be an immortal since he killed the human Dracula. Carl the friar is for comic relief and voice of exposition while Anna the gypsy girl can fight like a man (in movie speak, she’s called “tough”) and helps Van. Valerious’ ancestor is the father of Dracula (so they’re all basically connected) and there’s a buncha clues and how-to-kill riddles all over the place that Carl figures out. Dracula knows Van (calls him “Gabriel”) and Van apparently has got his ring which was cut off his finger, he’s also the son of ancestor Valerious and made a pact with the devil for immortality. He and his brides want to have kids, but them all being dead, they end up having dead kids too.

Enter Frankenstein and Dr. Frankenstein.

‘Ol Frank the monster (Carl: “Is he a man?” Van: “He’s seven men. Pieces of them, anyway”) is the secret to making Drac’s kids live. Drac has experimented numerous times and all have failed. If you guys watched “Underworld” then you’d know that the werewolves in that movie do the bidding of Drac. It’s no different in this movie where they maintain that folklore with a slight variation: werewolves retain a little bit of who they are (depending on how strong their will is) during their first full moon, before the curse can fulfill its course. Afterwards, they’re slaves to Drac’s will.

Carl figures out that the only thing that can kill Drac is a person who is of strong mind, prays at night, and all that other stuff (three guesses who). Conveniently, Van gets bitten by a werewolf – one he killed, WereVelkan, coincidentally – so he’s the special Drac-killer that Carl talks about. Dracula has a cure for the werewolf curse because, duh, he has to protect himself from the one thing that can kill him. So Carl and Anna look for that while WereVan defeats Drac. Unfortunately, after WereVan kills Dracula, the wolf thing gets to him. So when Anna shows up with the syringe cure, he attacks her, breaking her neck but not before Anna has shoved the syringe in Van-wolf’s abs. He howls as he changes… which is really cheesy but the sight of Hugh’s naked torso more than makes up for it.

And can somebody explain to me why when characters in movie change form (Velkan to werewolf, Van to werewolf, Bruce Banner to Hulk), all their clothes rip off and they’re left with a tattered pair of shorts which, when given the changes in their dimensions, should, by all rights, also have been torn off. And when they revert to their human form, that tattered pair of shorts covering their privates remains, when again, the changes in form should have rendered those rags too loose to hold on. Yes, I know they’re movies and frontal nudity would raise the rating to R or something, but still… that inconsistency always nags at me.

Anyway, Anna’s funeral thing is very cheesy and need not be discussed. Still, I guess it gives us viewers some idea of why Anna had to die. After all, from her family came Dracula and Dracula’s most passionate wanna-be killers and since Dracula’s dead and all… what more is there for her to do?

This is definitely a good movie to watch. Why? Well, for girls, there’s Hugh Jackman and his naked torso at the end of the movie. For guys, there’s Kate Beckinsale in tight-fitting black pants and black corset, kicking butt with a Transylvanian accent (she rolls her R’s) that my friend found weird and I found sexy, but that’s just me. For those who like the supernatural, the movie is filled with werewolves and vampiric lore, with some Frankenstein thrown in to satisfy your paranormal appetites. For those who like suspense and action, this movie also has a lot of it. For humor, you’ve got Carl.

The only down side for me, though, is that, in watching the movie, I actually found myself missing stunt guys. Whenever the movie called for stunts, computer graphics abound, even stunts where ordinary stunt guys would do just fine and can probably do it with their eyes closed. It must be a really lonely time for stunt people the world over, to watch their job openings decrease due to the increase in computer skills…